SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU DON'T REALIZE BY NOW THAT THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THESE PIECES, THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE NEW TO THE SITE, IN WHICH CASE, WELCOME MY NEW FRIEND
Let’s start with the episode from March 7th where we first were introduced to Mikhail, whom I will from here on out be referring to as Patches (not to be confused with the titular character of the Clarence Carter song, although they both did have a farm). What was funny about this episode was that it started out by answering all kinds of questions about the Dharma Initiative and their relationship with The Others and then we found out Patches was actually one of The Others and thus everything we heard could pretty much be thrown out the window. Some of it was probably true, although I wasn’t exactly clear on which parts, so basically it didn’t help me at all. However, I found the episode to be compelling and quite interesting, go figure. I guess fake answers are better than none, a bit of advice that they should keep in mind for the future of this show (however, after a while they really will have to start answering questions, because I and others will get tired of having to weed through the fake answers).
The subplot of this episode though was considerably less interesting. I’m not sure why they decided to have that ping-pong storyline especially since we’ve already had a couple of golf storylines in previous episodes which were pretty similar. Also, didn’t it seem a bit off to have a goofy storyline involving Sawyer since he just got back to the main island after having been kidnapped by The Others? Shouldn’t they have cut him a little slack for like a week or two? Just doesn’t work for me.
However, the biggest reason this storyline didn’t work was that they have taken away one of the funniest parts of the show; Sawyer’s nicknames for his fellow survivors. Every drama needs a bit of humor, and the nicknames were this show’s humor. I understand that he’s only supposed to stop the nicknaming for a week, but on a show where we just passed the 80-day mark for the survivors after only 61 episodes, one week could be a long time. I’m sure they’ll fudge that week for the sake of the viewers, but, my fair Lost writers, let’s remember for the future not to take away anything of Sawyer’s because Sawyer is awesome.
On to the second episode of three (this is already long, I’m definitely going to lose most of you before this piece is done), which, for the first time since the last episode of the “Fall Season” I actually watched live. So how did that experience compare to the previous experiences of watching the show days sometimes weeks later during this “Spring Season?” Well it turns out I really don’t like commercials, so it was definitely not as good as it would have been had I watched it the next day instead. I kept trying to pick up my Tivo remote and fast-forward and all I got was that annoying Tivo beep signifying that you can’t do whatever you’re trying to do.
But watching the commercials wasn’t nearly as obnoxious as the dancing couple that would spawn on the bottom right corner of my screen during every block of the show. I assume that these tiny dancing people were there to inform me about the impending return of Dancing With The Stars, but since they didn’t actually confirm that whenever they danced off the screen, I found myself a bit befuddled. And I don’t like being befuddled because that word seems fake to me, and I hate fake words, unless I made them up.
Enough time wasting, let’s get on to bigger things, like a backstory that was actually interesting for a change. Well kind of at least. The story once again had nothing to do with what was going on on the island, a common feature amongst all of the backstories this season, but at least this one had something happen, the revelation that Jack and Claire are half-siblings, even if the fanboys online had already predicted this. However, right before it happened I told Julie that I knew what was going to happen, and wrote it down so that I could show it to her after it was revealed. It was kind of like my David Copperfield moment and led her to ask me if I could see into the future like Desmond, which she said without any smartassedness (see a fake word I just made up ended up in this piece) in it. Either she really wondered that or she’s a lot nicer to me than most people would have been in that situation. Whatever the case, I appreciated the comment.
This episode also saw the all too early demise of my man, Patches, as he was sent through the Jurassic Park-type pylons outside The Others camp which featured a type of technology that I’m pretty sure is fake (fake technology is great in my book), despite its sheer awesomeness (kind of a fake word). Before he left though he shared with us some details about “the list” that The Others have regarding who is worthy of hanging with their crew. The list seemed a bit Calvinist to me, so I can’t say I’m a big proponent of it, unless of course I was deemed worthy to be on “the list.” If I was on it, then “the list” would rock.
The only other thing I wanted to talk about in regards to this episode is that there is no way in hell that Claire could have given birth to that child she’s carrying around. Not only did she completely lose the weight faster than any woman in history (and this includes those celebrity women who hire personal trainers to help them get back into shape), but she’s also much too petite around the hips to have pushed that baby out naturally. I understand that she obviously didn’t really give birth to the child, but I think they should have made it a little more plausible that she could have.
Alright, so I flew through episode two as much as possible so that I could hurry up and get to the most recent episode only to find that I’ve already written more than 1200 words. At this point I’m pretty sure you’ve either stopped reading or you just skipped ahead and missed all the cleverness that I wrote in the preceding paragraphs. I’d recap the best of them here, but even I’d like to finish at some point, so I’ll just tell you to go back and read the last things when you can and I’ll promise to be amusing in discussing this week’s episode so that you don’t completely miss out on my brilliance.
This week’s episode marked the second straight episode in which the backstory was actually compelling, a feat which hadn’t been accomplished since season one. Even more surprising was that this one kind of tied in to what actually happened on the island. Not as well as the backstories did when the show first came on the air, but at least somewhat. In all honesty though I wouldn’t have cared if it did because the only thing I cared about since we first found out that Locke had been paralyzed before coming to the island was how he ended up paralyzed. And this episode answered that question, quite sadly in fact.
This led to a discussion with my beautiful and intelligent girlfriend, Julie (I forgot to mention those things about her when I talked about her earlier), about which Lost character had the worst life prior to the island. Basically I think we narrowed it down Locke and Sayid, with Locke getting the edge because he was paralyzed after his Dad pushed him out of an 8th story window, which is fucked up for so many reasons. Sayid has had it rough, but at least his life wasn’t ruined by a guy who was not only a recipient of one of his internal organs, but also happened to be his DAD! I mean really, that’s horrible. I would rather have Ben the Creepy Other be my Dad then Locke’s Dad. That guy very well may be the worst person who ever existed.
The rest of the episode was pretty good, because I definitely enjoyed the renewed interactions between Locke and Ben, something we’ll get to see more of in the near future I hope. The blowing up of the sub was kind of lame since we knew it would have to happen otherwise Jack would have left, something that we know can’t happen unless its in a body bag.
But topping that in bizarreness was the magical box. Ordinarily I have been okay with some of the more outrageous aspects of this show and as I stated earlier, I love fake technology, but this isn’t fake technology, its magic. And while I’m not opposed to magic (I did see David Copperfield twice, although it was the same show both times, a fact that we only learned when we got there, much to our dismay), it seems out of place here. I guess its interesting that Locke’s Dad is on the island now, but couldn’t they just have said that after he nearly killed his own son he decided to join the Dharma Initiative or something. That would have been more reasonable and wouldn’t have involved a magic box.
Oh yeah, and by the way, who is the man from Tallahassee?
Alright, that’s all I’ve got to say for now and it only took me like 1700+ words to say it, so that’s great for everyone.
Next Week on Lost: I think someone’s going to die or something. I wasn’t completely clear on that, but I think that’s the case. I’m not with my Tivo right now so I can’t check, so I apologize in advance if that’s wrong. My guess is that is one of those annoying new people, Paulo or Nikki.